oct 29, 2012

sorry i havent been on in a while a lot has happened. in june we found out that we were expecting baby number 2, we were very excited and ready for another baby. my fibro was pretty bad this time and i had to quite working and start physical therapy for my back and hip pain and it was slowly helping. on oct 12th we went in for a routine ultra sound at 20 weeks so measure baby and find out the sex. the few days prior i just had an uneasy feeling like something was wrong but i figured i was worrying for no reason, as i worry a lot anyway. the ultra sound tech started the ultra sound and the measurements. after only measuring the head and arms she whipped off my belly and excused herself to go talk to the dr. at that point i knew that my horrible feeling that something was wrong was true. she then cam back into the room and escorted us to a different exam room where we waited for what seemed like forever for the dr to come in. i could tell by the way he was carrying himself when he came in that something was wrong. he proceeded to tell us that the baby had no heart beat and was only measuring 15-16 weeks. i had been in since that point in my pregnancy so i was so confused because we heard a heart beat at the last appointment. he just wasnt growing. i went back in later that afternoon for them to insert dried seaweed into my cervix to help start it to soften, at 8 am sat the 13th i was induced. i went through labor all day and all night and had our baby at 5:42 am sunday the 14th. it was a boy, Connor Allen McClung. i didnt get an epidural like the dr and nurses kept trying to make me get and it was the longest night of my life. i have never felt so much pain to have such a terrible end. out little angel with be buried with my dad and my grandpa. i cant even explain the emotions that i have been feeling. there are so many people in my life right now that are having babies and its hard for me to be happy for them. i held my son for a few seconds but couldnt bare to any longer. he weighed 5.25 ounces and was 6 inches long. my husband couldnt even look at him. we are dealing with this in two very different ways but i know thats ok. our son Liam has been such a blessing to have during this hard time, he is keeping us strong. i think that this has made our relationship closer in a lot of ways, ways i dont know. i just wanted to share this with those of you who do follow my blog. its a huge part of my life now.